#10

I bottle everything up,

I hide my emotions,

I pretend to be okay.

It's not healthy,

I know,

But I don't want to be a burden, 

I don't want to have people worried about me.

Belek

Duhai kekasih,

Belek hatimu itu,
Masihkah ada rasa cinta buatku?
Masihkah ada rindu yang datang bertamu?

Atau..
Aku sekarang sudah menjadi picisan debu
dalam satu episod di diarimu?

First-Timer

Frankly speaking, before I enrolled to my university, I've never been on stage as one of the main actresses in any performance. Even during Cultural Nights when I had Leadership Camps, even when I was in secondary school or primary school. 2016 must gotta do something with magic isn't it? 

So, this semester I have to take Theatre in TESL as my main course and along the way I was selected to be Mahura at first. But then, my coursemate, Syafika wanted to be Mahura instead of Mahsuri so we had our fourth time of auditions in front of our lecturer, and yes she was selected to be Mahura, and I'd be Mahsuri, the innocent. I was a bit unsatisfied because being innocent (faking it) is not my forte hahahah. Yknow, it was so hard for me to be into the character when I actually have this grumpy look all the time. However, I was so lucky to have a very good teammates, including producer, director and playwright who have always been supportive. They motivated me to do well and believe in myself.

As theatre has ended, I would say it went pretty well. With bloods, tears and sweats are paid off with ocean of positive feedback from audiences, fellow friends, lecturers and also our dean! Alhamdulillah everyone liked it, everyone enjoyed our performance regardless of a few unavoidable mistakes that some people didn't realize. I would like to write more, but maybe after my finals okay? Stay tuned!

#9

If you see someone being interrupted in a conversation, acknowledge them, don’t let them be pushed to the side. If you see someone lagging behind, walk beside them. If someone is being ignored, take the step to include them. Always remind people of their worth. It hurts when it feels like you’re being forgotten. That small gesture can mean a lot.

#8

I don't remember falling in love with you.
I just remember holding your hand realizing
how much it was going to hurt when
I would have to let it go.

Inspiring November Baby

Have I ever mentioned how much I love listening to Yuna's songs? Like since 2009? Okay, nope I think I haven't mentioned it on any social media. Apparently, I still love listening to her songs. All of them I swear. I bet my super someone doesn't know about it too hahahaha xD I still remember how I fell in love with her song. It started on one mist-full and rainy night when I was in car on my way to tuition (like a lovey-dovey romantic moment), the radio played her song entitled 'Dan Sebenarnya' and at that moment I thought the singer was an Indonesian because the way she sang it didn't sound much like a Malaysian singer. She gave the best first impression to my ear (umm is this the right words to say it?) Well for me, she has undoubtedly a unique voice. Then, I started to dig in more of her songs on internet and yass I found it. I used to listen to 'Random Aweseome', 'Rocket' and 'These Streets'.

It was 2009 at that moment and as the months and years went by, I found her blog, I read everything she wrote, I even knew that she loved to listen to Emiliana Torrini's song entitled 'To Be Free'. I found her lookbook and had this attempt to follow her style which I thought was very cool.. Nah, if you think that she wasn't that "trendy", I don't think many of women nowadays will wear shawls belit-belit and put earrings outta of shawl urgh come on peeps, please accept it that she was sort of trendy since she started her career in music industry. Regardless of too much of negativity that people throw at her, for me she still stays lowkey as she is. I love her positivity so much that it kills and overshadows the negativity part. I love how she handles her haters. You gotta be chill because you know yourself better than others. I'm not saying this as I'm totally 360 supporting what she's doing, but I think there's so much of bright sides that we can look into her hardwork as she brings Malaysia's name to a whole new level; international which is so little of us do care about it. For me, she is an inspiring lady. A lady with attitude, beautiful brain and wonderful talent that shouldn't be taken for granted.

Happy 29^th Birthday Yuna, in advance ✨

1438 Hijrah

Happy new year to all Muslims! Alhamdulillah it's a brand new year for us. Let's turn over a new leaf. Let's be better, let's be steadfast in doing good deeds. Let's build a very good rapport with everyone we know and befriends. Let's fight for the best for our dunya wal akhirah. Let's keep on praying for the best for our brothers and sisters all over the world. 

I may not be good as my words, but I'm always trying to and I couldn't thank Allah more for keeping my sins out of people's sights. May Allah have mercy on us all. May Allah ease us all. 

College Life (Part 1 - Academic)

Alhamdulillah, I already made it to the third year of degree. There are one more semester plus practicum left then I'm done with degree oh yass. Time sure flies so fast, isn't it? It feels like it was just yesterday I unpacked my big luggage in '939', so called home. I didn't write so much about how my college life looks like in previous posts. I've never been bothered to write one because of packed schedules. But this time before I get older, I want to write about it so that I won't forget how does it feel like to be a college student. And when I have kids or grandchildren, they will flipping through these posts and go with "Oh yass that's how my grandma rolls 😉".

I can say that being a university or college student is AWESOME (it'd be more fun if you have more money kids, like seriously no kidding Aeon Mall is just 7 minutes of walking distance), thus for those who say the other way round might be underdogs? Or they do not have a clear vision or mission in doing things? Maybe. Might be. Hello, wakey wakey! This is the right time to try everything! I mean everything which is good. Okay, back on track, basically being a college student, as usual we have classes every weekdays, we sometimes do have practices or meetings too during weekends and for me I also have *extra class* which I always attend when final examination is around the corner. Then, second week of lectures, we will be loaded with assignments, continuously with fourth or fifth week, we will be having our assignments submission and also tests. Then mid-semester exam, assignments again and last but not least, final examination which only covers 30% of assessments. Pretty cool, isn't it? I think the coursework given is quite good, because in my view, to be able to be listed in President's List or Dean's List, I need to always maintain my performance in academic and personal enhancement subject. In my college, we call it PEC subject. Everyone in my college knows how burdening the PEC subjects are, even the lecturers too, BUT on the bright side, it teaches us patience, management, leadership, communication skills and yet sometimes lead us to ass-kissing the lecturers. Oops! 🙈🙊

#7

Bodoh orang kita nampak,
Bodoh sendiri?
Kita buta tulikan saja.

You Don't (!)

When someone gets married, you don't get to decide how their wedding should take place. When someone is married, you don't get to decide when they should have kids. When someone has a baby, you don't get to decide how they should raise the baby. When someone is depressed, you don't get to decide how serious their depression is or whether they're faking it or not. When someone tells you they're frustrated and emotionally drained, you don't get to decide whether it's true or not, only because the person seems to have a happy life. When a Muslim doesn't look as pious as you expect them to be, you don't get to decide that they're doomed to hell or not. And the list goes on.

The point is, your opinions or comments are not required. If you wish to offer a sincere advice, go ahead but know when, where and how to do it. Apart from that, back off and let others live their lives peacefully.

Sky

"There are people who are always in love with the sky, no matter the weather. One day you will find someone who'll love you the same way."

#6

"Feelings don't die easily because we keep feeding them with memories."

#5

I grabbed the pen to write my misery,

but the pen cried before my eyes did.

Sappy Love Poems

I write sappy love poems,

Then, I throw them away.

Just because they'll never be good enough for you,

Just because I can't put my feelings into words,

Just because I'm shy, 

Or maybe just because I don't want you to read them,

Just because I don't want you to know.

But probably, just because I don't know

how you'd react when you know.

Just because I'm scared,

Just because it's so intense,

Or just because it isn't strong enough to

convey what I wanted to say.

Just because I think you're awesome.

Just because I think you're the best.

Just because I think nothing will be good enough.

Just because-

I write you sappy love poems, 

Then I throw them away.

But I know you know anyway.

And just because-

I love you more every day.

#4

Alhamdulillah for everything that I received since my birthday until today, I'm honestly in no place to complain about the bad things or predicaments that I have encountered before. Allah grants me so much blessing that I have never directly prayed for. Probably the things that I received were the only things that just crossed my mind. Sometimes I feel embarrassed for getting a lot of presents from my family, my friends because it feels like I don't really deserve these. Probably because of I always think of others' feelings too. Sometimes I'm afraid that my happiness is not my friends' happiness, sometimes I'm afraid to be happy while some people are grieving on my happiness. For me, the real happiness is when it is shared to others. It is shared with those who are in need. If and only if I could accurately describe my feelings right now.. I think I'd feel better.

Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.

Six Months

I found that there a lot of unexpected things have happened between us within these six months. Sometimes I do not believe in myself that you would still stay regardless of how much pain I gave to you. It is not easy to fall in love and to be loved. It is not easy to have someone to still love you regardless of how imperfect you are, how sensitive you can be. It is not easy to have someone to stay comfort in silence. It is not easy to have someone who loves you from zero. I love you. I love you even I have never said it to you verbally. 

I love you and I really meant it.

I'll wait for you to come home. 

Chaos, I'm in love.

I decided to fall in love. I won't say it as - again.
No. It's for the first time, first time.

I'm in love with my high school sweetheart 💖

Tiada Beza

"Sakitnya hati aku weh.."
"Kenapa ni?"
"Dia buat aku camni..Geramnya Ya Allah.. Cuba kalau dia ada kat tempat aku? Dia tak fikir ke apa aku rasa? Dia tak consider pun perasaan aku" :'(
"Mungkin dia tak sengaja?"
"We have talked this over lah.. Geram tahu tak? Kau rasa kan, kalau aku buat benda yang sama macam yang dia buat kat aku, dia akan rasa sakit hati tak?"
"Tuhan tu kan Maha Adil, kalau kau nak amik tindakan macam tu, apa beza kau dengan dia sekarang?"


Often that we think, by inflicting pain to others will make us feel better, but eventually the answer is the other way round. He is Al-Adl, let's let Him does His justice.

SPM 2015?

It has been three years since I received my SPM result. Often that I remind myself that examination result won't lead me to be a successful person but efforts for every single thing that I do will help me to go through every hardship that I'll encounter. Today is the day that SPM 2015's results are released. Flashing back to the days when I thought SPM is everything, frankly I swear it is the most stupidest faith that I once hold onto. I'm not saying those who got splendid results won't succeed but this is just a message for those who did not achieve good results yet to stay firm on a brand new believe that it is called 'hope'. Yes, there is always hope for those who really really yearn for it. All you need to do is keep on going, keep on pursuing your dream. 

Easier said than done, isn't it? But that's how things work. I'm not being sappy here okay, I tell you the truth. There is one, my acquaintance who did very well in SPM, but he/she is now studying in one of the private colleges in Malaysia because of some stuffs after SPM did not work out the way like before. He/she did not really perform during foundation/A level. Meanwhile, a few good friends of mine who just got few As, are now studying in UK and US, fully sponsored. Now, it's no longer on the matter of how many As you got, but how much efforts you can offer in achieving your goals? With Allah wills, nothing in universe can stop you from achieving it.

Then, which of the favors of your lord will you deny?

#3

Sampai nanti hujan tidak lagi membicarakan tentang kerinduan. 
Sampai nanti hujan mengantarkan kita pada hangat pertemuan. 

#2

I get so scared to go sleep sometimes. Thinking I won’t wake up until I’m in my grave. The amount of deeds I’ve done so far in 20 years, was it enough to save me from the punishment of the grave? The amount of sins I’ve committed, will it out do the number of deeds I've done? Was it really worth it? Praying my prayers late, saying ‘uff’ to my parents, fighting with my sister, not really helping my friends when they needed me, not giving enough charity, raising my voice at my eldest siblings, being lazy when it comes to reading the Quran, forgetting Allah SWT at times, missing FAJR because I love my sleep etc. Will my good deeds save me tonight if I close my eyes and never wake up? Do I deserve jannah?

Lone Ranger

Lima belas Januari haritu aku pergi camp. Kalau kawan-kawan aku tanya aku kenapa aku pergi sorang je dengan orang-orang yang aku langsung tak kenal (total strangers), aku pun tak tahulah nak jawab apa. Mungkin aku rasa bila aku sedih, aku perlu escape dari kesedihan tu. Luar nampak senyum, manis. Hati makan dalam, pedih. Tak ramai pun tahu apa yang dah berlaku dua tiga hari ni kat aku. Aku simpan je dulu, remuk rendam sorang. Lama. Sampai housemates ingat aku sakit. Pucat, lesu. "Kenapa Mijaa? Kau sakit ke?" *geleng* "Mijaa okay je". Ya, aku memang suka menipu soal hati aku. Takkanlah aku nak jaja kat semua orang kan? Aku tahu bukan semua orang akan faham, dan mungkin bukan masanya lagi untuk aku berkongsi.

Masa hari kedua camp tu, ada sorang ahli kumpulan aku tanya, "So far, kau rasa camp ni best tak?". Segeralah aku jawab best! Gila kau tak best.. akulah penyebab semua ahli kumpulan aku kena denda Subuh tu. HAHAHA! Kiteorang kena rendam dalam sungai, pastu golek-golek atas tanah depan orang ramai. Sebabnya, aku paling lambat sampai dewan and bila lagu dah habis pasang, aku still tak sampai-sampai dewan lagi. Itu je *buat muka toya* Alhamdulillah, banyak benda aku belajar. Aku belajar bersabar, bertolak-ansur, kerjasama dan survival skills (first aid, knotting, survival cooking, compass, fly & CPR). Lepas ni kalau sesiapa nak ajak aku masuk hutan, aku akan on je kot without having second thought. InshaAllah. Banyak lagi kisah camping 3d2n aku kat Tanjung Malim, Perak ni. Tapi, biarlah sebahagian dari cerita itu, aku simpan buat bekal di hari tua je. *Cehh* InshaAllah, semoga aku sempat tua.

*Gambar on the way balik lepas siap-siap kemas barang & jalan kaki ke KTM Tanjung Malim dengan orang-orang yang aku baru kenal selama 3 hari 2 malam* 

#1

Tubuh meringkuk dalam pembaringan. Mata sembab, tangis cengkam. Sahabat aku menghampiriku.

"Mijaa.. minumlah sikit air ni.."

*kesat air mata sendiri* 

*tersedu-sedan*

*nangis lagi*

"Taknak.. nanti.. nanti air mata masuk dalam air..."